Friday, March 2, 2012

Twenty-one Ways To Ward Off Jehovah's Witnesses!

We all hate that particular part of the day on Saturday, when there's a knock a the door. Everyone knows if someone knocks at your door early in the moring, it's gotta be one of two reasons: One, a zombie or two, a Jehovah's Witness -- wait -- they're both one and the same. My mistake! Here we go, the Twenty -one Ways To Ward Off Jehovah's Witnesses.


Open the door with a knife and raw meat and say, "Oh... Are you here for the goat sacrifice?"

Open the door and IMMEDIATELY SCREAM, "Zombies! Where's my goddamn boomstick?! I gotta kill 'em!"

Open the door. If they ask you "have you found Jesus, yet?" Put on an discouraged look on your face and say, "Fuck... Me... -- Jesus is missing? Now I gotta mow my own lawn!" And slam the door.

Open the door with a Slipknot mask and say "If you're five five five, I'm six six six!"

Open the door and when they start preaching just wait until they give you a chance to speak. Then say, "Hmmm -- sounds interesting..." Then trail off as if you're listening to a voice in your head. Then respond "Yes, Lord Satan, thy will be done --" and then speak to the J-whores and say very suspiciously "Would you... Like to, um, come inside and talk in my office? It's in my basement."

[If you're brave do this! Lol!] Open the door and invite them in with a big-ass smile on your face. As they sit down, excuse yourself for a moment and then return with a sock, lotion and put on the most raunchiest -- like Modern Whore-fare -- hardcore porno you have on the TV. Turn it up and grab the sock then say to them, "Don't worry I can multitask -- so, as you were saying?"

[For guys only] If you open the door and there's a hot girl (be careful with this one, say to adults only!) "Wanna make a porno? We'll call it 'Watch My Tower Grow!'"

Answer the door and look pissed off and say, "What? What?! What?!" And let them ask their opening "question" to start their conversation. Don't answer... Just look offended and say... "I had to stop fuckin' my blow up doll for this shit?!" then say, "You owe me -- who's first?"

[Only do this if you're a good debater and also like to use sarcasm] After answering the door and they toss their bullshit at you say this, "OK, I have a question for you, can I ask it?" They'll probably say, "OK." Then ask "A day consist of when the Earth rotates completely around in twenty four hours -- when the sun goes up, down, and back up. You agree?" They'll most likely say "Yes," then you say this, "If that's the case, then there's a problem with creation, because if the sun was created on the third day, how are you so sure about the first two days of creation?"

Open the door -- as they spew their propaganda, cut them off and say, "Whoa -- whoa -- whoa where do you live?" They might ask "Why" even if they don't ask, "So I can bug you and shove my beliefs down your throat -- that's why! And maybe skull-fuck you in your sleep!"

Open the door and either before they ask you their conversation starter question or before it and say in the most convincing manner, "Wanna be fuck-buddies?"

After opening the door, just stand there staring at them as they talk. Look offended or interested and as they give you a chance to speak say, "Fuck... Me... You are bat--shit--ugly... Stay right here, I gotta get my shotgun -- I can't let you breed..." Then walk away with the door open...

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