Twilight Rant

I absolutely hate this series. I can't understand why so many people actually like this shit. I just can't get into these movies. I've really tried. There's so many things that are just cringe-worthy to mention. It's a REALLY bad franchise.

I figured I write down all my problems or things I see wrong with Twilight. And here they are:

1. Edwards a douche bag
2. Bella's annoying, retarded, anti-social, insecure, negative, and passive.
3. Jacob needs a shirt.
4. The Twilight series promotes bestiality and necrophilia. Think about it, Bella wants to -- wait she DID have sex with a vampire. Vampires are dead. A corpse. A cadaver. She fucked a dead body. That my friends is NECROPHILIA. Jacob's a dog, she wants Jacob, and I bet if Edward was ripped to dusk, Jacob would be with Bella and guess what? She'd be banging a dog -- or wolf -- or mutt -- whatever he is. Stephanie Myers you are one weird Mormon bitch.
5. Edwards Dad (Cauliflower? Lol) He bites teenagers... Enough said. Kill this fucker.
6. Bella treats her dad like crap.
7. Stephanie Myers is Satan's mom.
8. It puts people who are obsessed with this crap as a whole or as a "collective society" back into the 1950's mind-set. You know "bitch make me a sandwich" kind of mindset. In other words, women who look up to Bella are taught to be submissive like a Jehovah's Witness wives. (Damn I hate them.)
9. Bella's suppose to be this perfect girl, except for her clumsiness -- which isn't an attractive characteristic by the way, then again it depends on how cute the girl is and how her personality is. Bella's personality is nonexistent. But if Bella was so perfect, she wouldn't be reading Emily Bronte, she'd be reading Twilight by Stephanie Fuckin' Myers.
10. Bella's life is really fuckin' boring. I mean so fuckin' boring, I rather watch paint dry on a wall. No -- I rather watch ants eat the baby bird that fell from the nests. Wait -- I got it -- I'd rather watch a dung beetle roll shit across concrete than listen to Bella's life story.
11. Stephanie Myers only knows one mood: Depression. She was a house-wife... No wonder Bella and Edward are always depressed.
12. A role model is someone who helps old ladies walk across the street, not some insecure girl who thinks her life and everything is worthless and bane and that the only thing worth living for a guy who thinks she smells like shit, dumps her in the middle of the forest, leaves her behind even though he knows a KILLER BITCH VAMPIRE is after her, controls her, bosses her around, he wants to slit her throat with his teeth, he tosses her across the room (Did he even apologize? He did say he didn't want to hurt her anymore, but did he apologize?!) shall I continue?! Bella is Nikki--Minaj--Bat--Shit--Insane. She has problems.
13. If you date a Twilight fan then you'll be considered her "Jacob" or "Edward," which means one thing" You're going to have a bunch of im--fuckin'--possible standards set before you for life. Abort while you can. Abort.
14. Climatic plot is seriously lacking.
15. Character development is nonexistent.
16. The content of the book can be summed up in one word: Shit.
17. Team Jacob sucks
18. Team Edward Sucks
19. Team Bella, well people who are part of this team need electro-shock, mixed with behavioral therapy because there's nothing to be proud of let alone root for when you're on Team Bella, because she's practically a dumb-ass.
20. Twilight fans are like Jehovah's Witnesses. Jehovah's Witnesses will not read any literature outside their religion because it's apostate literature (wow, the watchtower has them on a leash). Like the J.W.-Whores, the Tw-tards -- I mean Twi-hards -- refuse to read any other REAL Vampire book fore example... Anne Rice?! If they did read Anne rice they would realize Twilight sucks. The same for J.W.-Whores, if they read literature that's outside of their religion, they will see they're under mind control and they're practically being used.
21. Like like vegetarians in real life, vegetarian vampires are pathetic.
22. Edward talks a lot of shit, but can fight without his brothers and sisters. Lame.
23. It doesn't matter if you think Edward is hot or not because he will never be able to GET HIS "WANG" UP! It's impossible for a dead guy to get a hard-on. He's a corpse. Dead. Stiff. That means he has no blood Running through his body. Even he admitted he doesn't drink human blood, therefore, it would be impossible for Bella to hold onto that "Wang." so there you have it Bella is in for one BIG SURPRISE. Also, ask your guy how hard it is to get "it" up when you're cold? Remember Edward is cold? No offense to anyone, but girls if you want to know what it's like to be with Edward try this experiment: Get a dildo. Put it in the freezer for seven hours. And use it. Ha... I rest my fuckin' case.
24. Bella isn't even "one dimensional." She's just a mental case.
25. Twilight is programing young women to embrace this mindset, "if my guy doesn't sparkle, he's not good enough for me!"
26. The wolf pack is suppose to be big bad-asses with big muscles and hairless chests, yet when the morph into a big giant dog that doesn't have a "Shillong!" So Jacob goes from being a buff dude, to a dog with no "wang." How's that manly?
27. Be honest, if there was a book that called "The Dog Goes Arf!" That would be more entertaining, accurate and unique than any book in the "Twilight" series -- ahem, I mean Saga.

I'll add more when my brain recharges...

Twilight Eclipse

Synopsis: Victoria comes back to start an army to kill Bella -- a bunch of little vampires to kill one Klutzy girl -- and the Cullens and the Wolf Pack band together to protect her... Dear Zeus what... The... Fuck... Are these movies about?

Eclipse Sucks. I only saw it once! Wait -- I forgot. I have the Twilight Movies for only one reason, COLLECTING PURPOSES ONLY! OK, now back to the review. This movie just went to shit. Bella still has a hard-on for Edward. Edward keeps bitching about Jacob and Jacob keeps trying to win Bella over... Agh, it's just the same shit again. There's nothing new with this movie other than the continuation of Jacob and Edward bitching over a retard.

This is what I find funny Victoria start an army of young vampires to come after Bella and distract the Cullens or something like that, well is it really necessary to send in a BATTALION to kill one retarded girl who falls a lot? All you have to do is wait for her to fall and then use your super speed and dig a deep hole (after all they got stamina and strength) and all your problems are gone. Really and army of vampires for a girl -- yet she STILL FAILS miserably. What do you expect that's the world of Twilight and I can't stand it.

I will admit this, Jacob's acting did improve in this movie, well I thought so. Nonetheless, it doesn't change the fact that he's still a pussy-whipped little puppy.

So there you have it that's all this fucking movie about -- Bella crying over Edward -- Jacob crying over Bella -- Edward looking like he's being tortured in the movie Hostel -- Edwards dad looks like a creepo that worked at the DMV -- a vampire army after Bella -- the Wolves and Vampires team up to protect one retard -- Jacob gets hurt and Bella still wants Edward -- and -- the end. FuCk Me! Oh and the Vultri is now after their asses, but who cares right? None of their powers work on Bella because she's so "special" -- and I mean "special" as in Scooby Do Lunch Box kind of special. I hated this movie. I wont review the second one until the price comes down a bit cause I'm not going to pay no full price for that shit.

So what do I rate this movie? - 3 Stars out of 5.

Twilight New Moon

Synopsis: Bella continues on her weird obsession over Edward. Only now she has a new obsessed, an obsession about getting old -- at eighteen years old -- and... She... What is this movie about?!

New Moon -- Twilight -- Star bright, why is Stephanie Myers Skull-fucking me tonight?! Agh, again, I will say this for ever  Twilight  review: I own the movies for collecting purposes that's it -- fuck Twilight. Now the review -- if you want to call it that -- I hated it.

First off this movie is much better than it's predecessor, but it's still annoying. Bella and her lack of proper social skills is even more ANNOYING! She's has mental problems -- she can't complete a sentence without stuttering and somehow within all of this stuttering she manages to throw in "Edward." Why did I hate this movie? here's why:

The entire story is a repeat of the first movie. The only changes? Jacob got buffer. Edward got paler. Bella got dumber. And there's werewolves -- oh no correction -- big giant dogs that don't have genitalia! LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL I bet you've never noticed that HUH?! (No homo or weirdo either, it's just impossible to not notice. If you're not swooning over the guys on screen, that is.)


After Bella gets dumped on her ass in the middle of the forest she sits in her room for like three seasons moaning, bitching, crying, narrating, emailing Alice, cutting herself, and screaming in the middle of the night for... Whatever reason. Why was she screaming anyways? I don't know if they show it, if they did it must not be significant if I can't remember it. OK, everyone has heartbreak. So have I, I started this blog to help me with my heart break, but the pain may never go away, however, there's a time in your life where you need to just MOVE THE FUCK ON! Bella you have mental problems (and so do I apparently since I'm "addressing" Bella as if she's a real person... Fuck off.)

Edward is even a bigger douche bag, he hits her (lol I know on accident) and then just dumps her in the forest. Then he STILL TRIES TO CONTROL HER LIFE after he's gone. That's the kind of guy that will end up drinking and beating this shit out of her in the near future... Actually come to think of it, he's going to be beating the shit out of her for ETERNITY!

Jacob, I have mixed feelings about him. To me, when Taylor would act, it looks as if he's WAITING for Bella or whoever on screen with him to say their lines instead of letting it flow naturally like a real conversation. He seems awkward on screen. But regardless of that, he's a pretty decent guy. I'll be honest when Bella started hanging out with Jacob they actually started to look like a NORMAL, NON-ABUSIVE, GENUINE COUPLE! But of course Bella being the "Klutz" she is (it's not an attractive characteristic.) she ends up fucking it up anyways.

BELLA! I get so tired of hearing her name on screen. First off guys, if you meet a girl like Bella FLEE to Cuba. Did you see how she just dumped Jacob for Edward just because Douche bag Edward came back? What girl in her right mind would get back with a guy who: One, left her in the forest. Two, tossed her across the room. Three, Left her in the forest with wolves. Three, continues to stalk her in her dreams. Four, left her even though HE KNEW that redheaded bitch was after her? Five, tells her what she can and cannot do? What girl would go back to a guy like that? Oh, Bella, because everyone likes Bella. Bella belongs on the little yellow school bus with the kids who hold hands at lunch.

The wolves -- a big fuckin' dog, OH WOW. Enough said. Moving on to something more worth while.

The vultri. I like Dakota Fanning and Michael Sheen even in Twilight, they're actually good. But even they can't redeem this movie.

OK, I will also admit this, there's only one character I like and that's Jasper. He's actually intriguing and his back story is the most "developed." Everyone else is just annoying.

The CULLENS -- Weirdos, just throw rocks at them. I can't stand looking at these people because they just irk me.

What did I like about this movie? The fight scenes, but in total there's only about three minutes of it. The rest of it is Bella bitching over Edward... If only that BLACK GUY LOST CONTROL OF THE VAN ON THE DAY WHEN EDWARD AND HIS FAMILY WENT "CAMPING!"

You know what come to think of it the way Bella acts is exactly how a MIND CONTROL victim would act. Do you really want your kids to be looking up to Bella? Some guy tosses her across the room, it's OK just as long as you're obsessed with him. That's all that matters! That's the same thing women who are abused by their husbands say "I still love him. He didn't mean it. I think he can change." NO! NO! NO! FUCKIN' NO! Girls if a guy dumps you in the forest like how Douche Bag Edward did to Bella, he's NOT WORTH YOUR TIME! Bella is a bad example to tween kids.

What do I rate this movie? - 1 out of 5.

Twilight

Synopsis: Bella Swan moves to Forks, Washington and falls in love with a vampire... (Damn.)

Twilight. Twilight. Twilight. Where do you begin with this lump of shit? First off I admit I own all of them, except for the newest one, which I will buy when the price goes down. Also, I have the movies because I'm a FILM COLLECTOR. It doesn't reflect my taste in movies. With that out of the way, lets get into the review. Lets compile this review into one pile of shit review: Twilight sucks.

There's so many things that are wrong with this movie. I can't understand why the fuck do people actually like this movie? I know a lot of people are going to try to shoot me down because I don't like twilight -- try it, I'll hunt you down like a T-1000 -- but this is just my opinion. Personally I think Kristen Stewart et. all are actually decent actors, however, in the Twilight saga they suck because it limits their acting abilities.

Nothing really interesting happens in the movie. Bella's voice over is quite annoying. Yes, there's a fight scene at the end... But who gives a shit. Edward talks all this shit, yet still can't fight without his "brothers and sisters." Even I'll admit the wolves are kick ass!

Bella: Annoying as fuck, can't complete a sentence without stuttering every two seconds, she blinks every .1 seconds, can't maintain eye contact, dependant on a man (I'm not a feminist, feminism is a mental disorder.), she falls everywhere, she's so insecure she thinks being all up on some guys nuts is telling him she loves him, she's very bad at getting hints -- if a guy covers his face when you stand in front of a fan and runs out as soon as the bell rings, there's only ONE possible explanations: You smell like shit. She has nothing interesting to say. Shall I continue?

Edward: Douche Bag. Pedophile. Cold as fuck. He's a physical and mental abuser. Disrespectful to her father in spite of the fact that they try to make him out to be an "old fashion" kind of guy. Pale. Gay.

Jacob: Where do you begin with this fuck-ass? You can't actually like him very much until New Moon, however, even in that he's still annoying. He bounces when he walks. He's not really intimidating. Agh. Fast forward.

Bella's friends: One word: Jaded.

Charlie: Actually pretty kick ass -- it sucks that Bella's the fruit of his loins... Face it people Bella's stuid we must kill her before she breeds.

OK, so I didn't really review this movie, because I didn't really care about this shit. None of the characters, however, I would say I'd rather see Jacob with Bella that Edward, but of course, we all know the Edward's going to get her, however, Bella's going to regret it -- just wait till my Twilight rant and you'll see why she'll regret it.


Oh yeah one more thing, what the fuck DOES VAMPIRES, THUNDERSTORMS, and BASEBALL HAVE TO DO WITH EACH OTHER?! What Alice?! You're not making any sense! Remember that scene Alice tells her to watch why they play baseball durring the thunderstorm... Yet I still don't know why!

Anyways, I'd rate this movie One star out Five! Yes, bitches that's right.

Someone asked me...

First let me tell you that I grew up around Jehovah's Witnesses. These people can be the most hypocritical, arrogant, and pompous zombies you'll ever meet. Now, I grew up around Jehovah's Witnesses like I said, but there's one girl I know who, I've NEVER TALKED TO EVER! She's NEVER SAID ANYTHING TO ME for more than twenty years! NADA! JACK SHIT! Pigeons say more than she does. Now someone asked me if I would go to this particular girls new cafe she opened up... I starred at her and said "Fuck ass no! I rather piss glass. She's never talked to me ever. Ever! So why the fuck should I give her my money? Because she has a business that means I'm obligated to support her? First off, if you want someone to respect you, you give it first -- respect is a two way street, not a one way street. Two, say hi for a fuckin' change. And three, what the fuck do you expect if you're going to just sit there act like I don't exist, yet put on a fake ass smile when you want something? Lack of courtesy equals 'you're now on my shit-list.'... So fuck no. I will not. End of story... You pissed me off... Now, I'm going to go watch Star Trek."

So there you have it. The moral of the story is, if you want people to do good things for you and show respect, you gotta give it. Respect isn't something you get just because you're you. It's something that's earned.

Connor, out.

Breaking Bad

Synopsis: Walter White is an over qualified Chemistry teacher working a two dead end jobs to make ends meet. After finding out that he has terminal lung cancer, he decides to sell meth with a former student to leave his family money after he's gone.

What can you say about this show? Pure GENIUS! I absolutely love Breaking Bad! Ever season this situation keeps getting worst and worst and worst. There are many elements that make this film such a fantastic watch. The actiong, characters, story, and situations that would cause most people to break under presure. I remember the first time I saw Breaking Bad, I was somewhat skeptical, however, since I'm a Brian Cratson fan, I decided to watch it... It blew my mind. I knew finally there was another show I could actually watch and enjoy besides Fringe and Alcatraz.

Breaking Bad is one of those shows that can be so addicting because of the drama and situations the characters are thrust in. To many shows these days try to bring amazing drama to the table, but not all can do that. Actually, may ACTULLY do it, but after so many episodes or possibly seasons, the show and story starts to fall apart and hit rockbottom. Breaking Bad filled with amazing drama and suspenses. There are times where you feel so much for the characters, you want to help them out.

One thing I personally enjoy about Breaking Bad is the downard spiral of the character Walter White. By season three, Walter is a completely different person than when he was first introduced at the begin of the series. You can literlly see his transformation from a geeky, loving, husband to a murderous drug-cooking crook. Watching Walter encounter these situations it becomes apparent that Walter knows he falling down the rabit hole -- he knows this, but he has an atitude that says "yeah, my worlds going to shit, but I'm going down with it." In other words, he doesn't care if this new lifestyle will destroy his reputation or anything akin to that as long as his family is provided by after he's gone.

Gus, a mysterious man is such a creepy and cryptic character, you can't help but blink while staring at the TV. You blink for the characters, because this man can hold a gaze like a ninja. He's very intemidating, but what makes him so threatening is the fact that he hides his true self so well you will most likely not know who the "big distrubutor" is when Walter goes to meet him for the first time.

Another character I enjoy a lot is Jesse Pinkman, Walter White's former student/drug dealer. Jesse really helps Walter hold the show in such an intense way that if he was to be written out of the show, Breaking Bad just might fall flat. Another thing interesting about Jesse is the fact that he's SO DAMN UNPREDICTABLE! You have an idea what he might do, however, at times you are surprised by his actions.

Again Breaking Bad is such a fantastic show, I can't help but recomend this show so much. Five Stars out of Five.

Twenty-one Ways To Ward Off Jehovah's Witnesses!

We all hate that particular part of the day on Saturday, when there's a knock a the door. Everyone knows if someone knocks at your door early in the moring, it's gotta be one of two reasons: One, a zombie or two, a Jehovah's Witness -- wait -- they're both one and the same. My mistake! Here we go, the Twenty -one Ways To Ward Off Jehovah's Witnesses.

WHEN THEY KNOCK:

Open the door with a knife and raw meat and say, "Oh... Are you here for the goat sacrifice?"

Open the door and IMMEDIATELY SCREAM, "Zombies! Where's my goddamn boomstick?! I gotta kill 'em!"

Open the door. If they ask you "have you found Jesus, yet?" Put on an discouraged look on your face and say, "Fuck... Me... -- Jesus is missing? Now I gotta mow my own lawn!" And slam the door.

Open the door with a Slipknot mask and say "If you're five five five, I'm six six six!"

Open the door and when they start preaching just wait until they give you a chance to speak. Then say, "Hmmm -- sounds interesting..." Then trail off as if you're listening to a voice in your head. Then respond "Yes, Lord Satan, thy will be done --" and then speak to the J-whores and say very suspiciously "Would you... Like to, um, come inside and talk in my office? It's in my basement."

[If you're brave do this! Lol!] Open the door and invite them in with a big-ass smile on your face. As they sit down, excuse yourself for a moment and then return with a sock, lotion and put on the most raunchiest -- like Modern Whore-fare -- hardcore porno you have on the TV. Turn it up and grab the sock then say to them, "Don't worry I can multitask -- so, as you were saying?"

[For guys only] If you open the door and there's a hot girl (be careful with this one, say to adults only!) "Wanna make a porno? We'll call it 'Watch My Tower Grow!'"

Answer the door and look pissed off and say, "What? What?! What?!" And let them ask their opening "question" to start their conversation. Don't answer... Just look offended and say... "I had to stop fuckin' my blow up doll for this shit?!" then say, "You owe me -- who's first?"

[Only do this if you're a good debater and also like to use sarcasm] After answering the door and they toss their bullshit at you say this, "OK, I have a question for you, can I ask it?" They'll probably say, "OK." Then ask "A day consist of when the Earth rotates completely around in twenty four hours -- when the sun goes up, down, and back up. You agree?" They'll most likely say "Yes," then you say this, "If that's the case, then there's a problem with creation, because if the sun was created on the third day, how are you so sure about the first two days of creation?"

Open the door -- as they spew their propaganda, cut them off and say, "Whoa -- whoa -- whoa where do you live?" They might ask "Why" even if they don't ask, "So I can bug you and shove my beliefs down your throat -- that's why! And maybe skull-fuck you in your sleep!"

Open the door and either before they ask you their conversation starter question or before it and say in the most convincing manner, "Wanna be fuck-buddies?"

After opening the door, just stand there staring at them as they talk. Look offended or interested and as they give you a chance to speak say, "Fuck... Me... You are bat--shit--ugly... Stay right here, I gotta get my shotgun -- I can't let you breed..." Then walk away with the door open...