Okay, I figured I come back to my blog and start writing again. I'm not sure if I should tell you what exactly happened. But then again...Agh -- why the fuck not. Okay. This is what happened. One night I was hanging outside kicking it with my friends. When suddenly there was a bright flash -- then I woke up on cold metal table. And there was this creature -- a Grey alien -- staring at me. It freaked me the fuck out. he told me.
"Do not fear, Connor. I come in peace."
I said, "What the serious fuck! Peace?! You kidnapped me!"
He laughed and continued to experiment on me -- no probing cause I told him I don't play that shit. So over the months I ended up living on board a space craft inside of a small little department. They fed me water and rice in a Styrofoam cup.
It wasn't until one day I said:
"Fuck this shit! I'mma headbutt all this sons of bitches!"
So started doing pushes ups and sit ups and meditating. one day I meditated and astral projected to Mount Olympus where I defeated the Gods of Olympus and the Titans. Because of my bravery I inherited their skills. Then I returned to my body and I was amazed at my skills. Really awesome skills... Seriously, they're awesome... You wouldn't even believe me if I showed... shut the fuck up.
Anyway, And then on that fateful day, they opened the door and -- BOOM -- I headbutted that alien in the face -- I mean headbutted the living shit out of that alien. I was running through the space craft. The alarm sounded and that's when I knew I was in deep shit. But you know what? I kept pushing forward! Why?! Because I'm that fuckin' awesome. So anyway, I probably killed about fifteen aliens until I came to the main controls. I took the space craft -- high jacked it and parked it on the moon in one of it's craters. Then I took a space pod and headed towards the earth. I crashed in the Mojave desert and when I opened the space pod...
The fuckin' government was there. M4 A1's and all that shit. Lookin' all bad ass. I surrendered. I was taken to Area 51. And I swear I was bunk mates with an E.T. named Mokie. She was cool. Okay, she looked human and was REALLY GODDAMN HOT. She had the hottest telepathic "bedroom voice" I have ever heard. At one point, I said, "to hell with it" and for hours we fu -- but I was kept there for an additional five months. Eventually, the government wanted to know where my space craft was and I told them:
"That's my space craft punk-bitch! When the aliens come and conquer earth I'm going to use it and whoop some serious fuckin' ass!"
Then he slammed me up against the wall and was inches from my face. His breath smelled like pig farm; and then said:
"Bitch! Who wears the pants in the family? I do!"
"What. The Serious. Fuck are you talking about?" I asked.
Then he bitch slapped me -- it hurt, you know, but me being the bad ass I am, it was okay, cause I had a plan. So I went into the corner of my room and I meditated and realized, it's easy to break out of Area 51. So I waited for the security guard to come back and know what I did?
I headbutted the goddamn shit out of his face -- it went crunch-crack-pop! He droped and I fled. It took out a few guards using the headbutt, but then I made it to the surface. And once I did that, since it was night time, it was easy for me to use my ninja skills and just vanish into the night. At one point when I was in Vegas I even headbutted a herd of Jehovah's Witnesses just for the fuck of it... you should give it a try sometime.
And then three days later... I'm back home. So now you know what happened to me and why I haven't been updating my blog. Now that I am am back, I shall continue to do so.
-- Connor Murphy
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